The Story of my Gender Identity
Before I really get into this, just have a little update for ya. For the time being this blog will center more around the drugs/life/spirituality side of things and I will focus more on local bands then anything, as Salt Lake City where I currently live is full of talent, experimentalism and creativity.
My reason for this is that there is TOO MUCH music. I’m making a massive list, all the way from the 60’s to now. If I wanna do this the way I want to do this, I need to be caught up and well versed about the entire discographies of every single artist that I’m into, which I promise you is thousands. I hope this to become more of a music reviewing blog by like 2024 if the civil war doesn’t start before then.
So now, let us get into it! Salutations cocksuckers and cuntfuckers, welcome to The Local Embrace on this fine morning.
With the overturning of Roe Vs. Wade I am frankly afraid as a Non-Binary individual. I have a little prediction/conspiracy theory if you will, on what is going to happen moving forward. I’ve seen people on national television start to be more openly racist since the overturn and I think it’s just the beginning. More vital rights will be taken away from women, people of color and the LGBT community, only to cater to the disgusting egos of a bunch of rich white men who enjoy raping kids and pretending they care while they exploit us all. White supremacists, nazis, and other shitty garbage bags will see this as an opportunity to think it’s okay to start shooting trans people in broad daylight. Eventually everything will implode into the aforementioned second civil war and the Divided States of Merika will be right back to the 1920’s. This is why I need a fucking gun, but I’m poor.
This is also why I think now is an extremely important time for people like me to share their stories of how we found who we are in our life journeys. I could be DEAD wrong about everything. But even if this place is to become increasingly violent towards people like me, I’d rather die a thousand times over then spend one more day in my life, not embracing my true authentic self to the fullest. I encourage everyone to be honest and open about their stories. I encourage everyone to get into a Marsha P Johnson brick throwing mothafuckin mood. We are the LGBTQAZ+ whatever the fuck! and I know we are a force to be reckoned with.
And without further ado, here is my story.
My early days were spent moving almost every year, to various mormon populated neighborhoods in various places throughout the state of Utah. For those who don’t know what mormonism is, all you have to know is that it’s not to different from the whole republican traditional values bullshit that they love to spew out of their stupid mouths. In fact, most mormons are republican. So it’s all about repressing all the things that are natural about the human body and mind for the sake of brainwashing a population and making sure the prophets (people who pretend they can talk to a man in the sky that doesn’t exist) have enough money for their golden toilet seats. Needless to say, my awareness of who I am has been buried deep inside me for the majority of my existence.
I’ve always hated the name my parents gave me, and I’ve always been uncomfortable being considered just a male. For years and years I knew I hated myself, hated being me, but could never really put into words why.
I remember being in eighth grade and these feelings inside me getting worse, that something about me is just wrong to the deepest part of my core, something that I didn’t understand at all at the time. I remember having this point where I broke down to my mom about it, and as if the universe was coming together to answer the question, I blurted out that maybe I wanted to be a girl. My mom proceeded to tell me about transition surgery and what exactly that would entail. Upon hearing that I was instantly turned off to the idea. Something was still wrong, but maybe it wasn’t that.
So this was in 2011. I remember being so embarrassed that I pushed it down and I didn’t let it come up again until an incident in 2018 forced me to confront it. Throughout that time the negativity I was feeling bled out in other ways. I tried to kill myself a good four or five times in that period and I know now that among other things that was a huge reason for it.
So in 2018 I started working at the best job I’ve ever had up to this date, at a local shop called “The Crepery,” in St. George Utah. This is where I became super close with my friend Lupe who is still one of my most trusted confidants to this day. We went to high school together but never really interacted at all other then a music theory class we were both in my freshman year.
At the time I started The Crepery I was in this stupid online relationship, but hanging out with Lupe, being around her, getting to know her, was and always has been a great fucking time. We get together in any sense whether it’s in person or on the phone and we just make each other laugh and laugh and laugh. I love her so much! But at the time I found myself falling in love with her. I consider myself like 98% gay. Never truly dated a woman even when I thought I was straight. Never experienced da vagina. This largely has to do with the fact that I find women superior to men intellectually and it’s intimidating. So this was a big deal and I decided to take a chance and ask her out. It was only a matter of when the online relationship was to end with the way it was going so.
The night that I asked her out was not the best night to do so. I was dealing with a lot of stuff. I don’t remember too much about how this day went preceding the night. I just remember my friend David screaming at me in The Crepery parking lot, begging me to believe him about fucking goddamn simulation theory. Due to recent events I was definitely approaching my breaking point by this mark in time.
The night increasingly got worse from there. After just walking away from David as he ranted at me, I went through with my plan to ask Lupe out that night although I was already emotionally exhausted.
She rejected me, saying that it was because I was a guy. She said she couldn’t do guys anymore. That moment in particular was very painful. At the time I thought it was about the rejection but it was about the reason for it. I don’t blame Lupe at all, she had no idea what I was going through. I didn’t know what the fuck I was. It’s hard to dismantle that growing up in a society that puts so much importance on their own bias of what gender means when most people don’t even really know what they’re talking about at this point. Frankly I just felt like I was being punished once again for something the world pushed on me before I ever had a chance to think about it.
At the end of the day I always knew deep down that I was something more. And the following experience was the true beginning of discovering the whole Non-Binary thing for me.
I had arrived at what was almost a suicide attempt. I was too confused with everything going on all happening on the same night, it all just made me snap a little bit. I had my computer chord wrapped around my neck and I stood beside this tree for like an hour, working up whatever I needed to hang myself from it. I was so sick of being in so much turmoil. But then I touched the tree and received what I believe to be a vision from the universe.
I was back to the last night I had tried to kill myself, October 21st, 2017. I jumped off a cliff. It was after the fact. I was with my ex fiance back at our house and he was going on about how dare I just try to leave him without saying goodbye or some shit. After listening to that for a while I ended up back at the tree. I realize now what was he was doing, but I took it as a sign that it wasn’t my time yet.
So I took the chord off of my neck and my intuition told me that my friend Bri was the person to talk to. Bri is like, one of the truest ride or die homeslices on this fucking planet. So shoutout to you Bri. Love you badass!
I called her and told her I was feeling dysphoric and I didn’t know how to process it and I basically wanted to die. She talked me down and gave my number to a friend who I suppose had recently overcome what I was going through in the whole gender identity discovery journey.
I don’t really remember the conversation that well but I know that it helped tremendously. It’s almost like on this night all these unlikely forces came together to bring me to the light. I’m glad Lupe didn’t want to date me, I don’t know what would’ve happened if she did. I have so many reasons to be grateful for how it all went down and where I am now.
From then on I began to contemplate what this all meant for me. I knew gender-fluidity is a thing but that didn’t seem right, as I feel an everlasting consistency in my gender identity. I didn’t have words for it. I’m not really much for labels anymore but I think they definitely have a place, especially in terms of figuring out who we are.
Luckily it didn’t take me that long after all this to figure out. My last guide in my journey of discovery was my friend Dottie. We mostly talked on Facebook until I moved up to Northern Utah. At the time she identified as Non-Binary. In February of 2019 I ended up at the listening party for her former band Emma Park’s new album. She was the first person EVER to asked what pronouns I go by. I just somehow knew it was they/them in that moment, so that’s what I said. It’s been that way ever since. Very soon after that I made some stupid little social media announcement coming out, and the rest is history.
For those who don’t understand stuff like this, in a sense there’s as many was of identifying as there are people. No story of discovering sexuality or gender identity is exactly the same. No one feels exactly the same. As far as the term Non-Binary goes and what it means, I can only speak for myself. It’s important to understand that there are many definitions and they are all equally valid.
I see my gender identity as sort of like a bridge in between realms, equally male and female. Many Non-Binary people feel the need to transition, I am not one of those people. I’m perfectly fine having what is considered a biologically male body. Totally fine having a penis, beards are cool. It’s just whatever. But I want to embrace my feminine side too, acknowledge that it exists and it’s strong, show people that it’s better then hiding in the box society puts you in. I’m just barely getting into the fashion/makeup world, I’ve spent the last eight years almost exclusively wearing local band merch, which will never truly end. But I find that feminine clothing, eye makeup, beautiful nails etc all make me feel more empowered and like myself. These two elements is just how I bring out both those parts of myself. I want more fucking dresses bitch. I want equilibrium.
So yeah, that’s my deal! The whole point is now that I’ve figured it out I’m finally becoming comfortable with who I am and growing into myself for the first time in my life. Take it by the balls or leave me the fuck alone. I ain’t changin, doing nothing but embracin….. locally. I would just like to reiterate to all my fellow people, if there’s ever a time to embrace your authenticity and live your truth, NOW IS THE TIME!
To close this out, here’s some links to music by some rad Non-Binary/Trans/Queer artists that I know about.
Breakfast In Silence
Breakfast In Silence. Salt Lake City, Utah. hey there hoss, wanna grab a burrito?
lotus face. Salt Lake City, Utah. lotus face is dot hollingshead the works done by lotus face aren't intended to be…
For my next post I’ll be reviewing the new EP by my music scene friend Tayler Lacey whose music I fucking LOVE, titled “Kind of Political, But Mostly Sad.” Stay tuned if you dare.